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Health & Fitness

Hidden Agendas; Why We Hit a Wall

Fear of failure, fear of rejection, even fear of success can cause a person to limit how far he or she goes to take control of their life.

Do you have any hidden agendas ? That is seldom an easy question to answer, but it is at the same time, one that I feel is extremely important to ask.

By hidden agendas, I am specifically talking about either conscious, subconscious but possibly unconscious reasons to behave in a certain way, or focus on certain feelings, even obsess on some hurt or emotional pain that then allows one to avoid other significant issues.

Let me give you some examples.

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A.) Every time a young lady seems to find herself becoming more comfortable in a relationship, she begins to find fault with the guy, picks fights over trivial issues, and within weeks, breaks off the relationship. There might easily be some fears  and insecurities just below the surface, or then again, deeply buried, that cause her to sabotage each relationship.

B.) Although I have enjoyed success in helping many people understand and conquer their panic attacks or obsessive-compulsive behaviors, I have also witnessed a percentage of clients who just make so much progress, but then seem to hit a wall. They say they feel better and have more control over symptoms, but I also see that they hold on to certain symptoms which limit or restrict their lives. I am very happy to see their progress, but it is very evident that something is holding back complete success. Why? There are times when certain symptoms serve a secondary purpose.

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A client who could not drive due to panic attacks, now can drive where she "needs" to go, but won't stretch further because if she is free of anxiety, people will expect too much from her and she will feel overwhelmed as she once did when the panic first began. Get the idea?

Often people don't consciously realize they are sabotaging their own progress. They often try to bury their fears and self-sabotaging negative thoughts because they are so uncomfortable. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, even fear of success can cause a person to limit how far he or she goes to take control of life.

"It makes me feel so weak to say this but what if the guy I am engaged to finds himself unhappy with me ten years down the road? He may leave me!"

"I can never do enough to please my mom. If I do more, that will become the new standard, and then I have to do even more. I can never win."

"I am not happy in this relationship, but I see so many people struggling after a divorce. Maybe his verbal abuse is not so bad. At least I have a roof over my head."

You might get the picture that many hidden agendas are the result of a person's insecurities, a lack of trust and faith in his or her ability to survive without others. And yes, much of the insecurity is based early life experiences and learned fears.

Most of us do feel we need other people in our lives, but that does not have to make us dependent. Dependency breeds weakness. However, good healthy interactions with others where you also allow yourself to grow and stretch with new experiences, where you create a life for yourself with goals and steps to accomplish those goals, and where you see yourself able to express your thoughts and opinions in a respectful but open manner are the cornerstones for a more healthy self-esteem.

Where self-esteem is nurtured, hidden agendas atrophy. One needs not to have excuses to emotionally or psychologically protect himself or herself  when self confidence and trust in self assures you that you will do what is best for you.

When I see a client hitting that invisible but all to real "wall", I know what we have to do. The goal becomes to take advantage of the progress the client has made to emphasize  what she now sees she is capable of doing, and then using the lessons learned to identify and then conquer the fears that come out as the triggers for self-sabotage. It is always amazing how surprised many clients are to see the issues, just below the surface, that hold them back. This can change his or her life forever. I have to admit, I never get tired of experiencing that kind of growth on the part of a client, it is a phenomenal feeling.

Hopefully, this is food for thought !

Gene Benedetto, Psychologist, Coach
Blog: www.RuledByFear.com
Support Group and Newsletter: www.OneStepataTime.com

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