Sex Assault Victims: You're Not to Blame

As I read , I almost did not publish it. It seemed to harsh, even for me.

I wrote it Sunday, but held off publishing until Monday with the idea that I might soften it up a bit.

Then, I got an awakening slap across my face. I received an urgent email from one of the kids I have worked with for three years. She is a very special child who once lived on the streets by herself at eleven and twelve years of age.

Could you imagine yourself or one of your kids surviving that ordeal? If you have followed the blog I publish on my website, then you might be aware that this child adopted me as her grandfather, a title that I see as an honor. This young lady worked so very hard and against all odds to get off the streets.

She was badly abused, yet maintained her efforts to get out of those back alleys and street corners and have a life. I admired her efforts and together, we found a path for her to now find herself in a loving home.

But then the slap:

"Grandpa, my other grandpa just did something horrible to me."

I won't go into details of the sexual abuse she described because it makes me too angry and distracts me from what needs to be said here.

It took me more than two hours to open her up to tell me what happened. She blamed herself for being STUPID. She had again been a victim, and her parents and I are going to again begin to pick up he pieces.

It makes me sick, and my heart is still heavy. She feels as if she is a marked person, as most victims feel.

Yet, the only thing she really did was open her heart to someone because she so wanted to be loved, accepted and to feel she belonged. She knew he was a difficult man who had previously acted as indifferent to her and saw her as an intrusion into their family.

But she thought that because he was family, she would just have to try harder to get him to love her.

She had NO idea what he had in mind.

At some point, her abuser realized he could take advantage of her want for love and approval and he played her. He said all the right things. Took walks with her and listened to her imaginative stories. He played on her sympathies, using the death of his wife a few months back.

Then, when he was done with her, he told her that no one would believe her and that he would tell stories about how she wanted him to do things to her. Anyway, she was just a bad seed and would end up back on the streets.

Oops, I am getting angry again.

Sure, steps will be taken to have the abuser face consequences for what he did to an already fragile, now 14-year-old child, but the man's selfishness and self serving act is another scar on this child's life, marring her ability to ever trust again.

Beyond that, she wonders why God is punishing her. She asks, "Did I do something to deserve this ?"

Typical of many children, but also adults who are victims of sexual abuse, this child felt shame for not realizing she was being played. She described a "black slime" inside of her, a combination of feelings of guilt, shame and anger toward the abuser, but more toward herself for being so blind.

Can you even imagine what it will take on her part to ever trust again? We have begun the process of releasing that "black slime" by allowing her to vent, by helping purge the anger and to realize SHE did nothing wrong. We have prayed and sang her favorite spiritual songs to help her remember that she is loved by her family and by her God.

She does have much to learn about love and trust, and about the evil agendas that lurk in the hearts of some who can justify and rationalize their warped thoughts, their selfish, unbridled compulsions and malicious deeds.

But then, don't many of us have critical issues to learn about needs for approval and love? Don't many of us find ourselves victims of emotional -- if not physical and sexual abuse -- because all we really are looking for is that approval, that sense of belonging, that craving for someone we can really trust? Don't many share those same needs and therefore find themselves vulnerable as targets for abusers?

Can this girl be loved for who she really is, for what is in her heart, or only for what she can do to satisfy the cravings of the another?

Well, I will be busy doing my part to glue her back together, hoping I can find a little bit of that old fight-until-you-win attitude that led her off the streets, but please pause to think about how many children are abused every day.

See what YOU can do in your community to have a voice for these kids. And realize that the dark side is out there. It is real in way too many people, whether they be fathers, mothers or, sadly, grandpas.

Get involved with anti-abuse groups like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence .

One of my favorite groups in the San Diego area is The Center for Community Solutions.

Also, to receive our free weekly newsletter, or have the opportunity to join our free online Support group on Sunday nights at 9 p.m.